What to Do When You Don't Like Your Teenager's Friends
by www.SixWise.com
As your children reach their teenage years they will spend
an increasing amount of time with their friends. This is a
normal and important part of growing up, as friendships help
teens learn how to solve conflicts and provide companionship,
stability and a sense of loyalty.
Rule #1 when it comes to talking to your teen about
her friends: Don't criticize her friends, talk only
about behaviors that you don't approve of.
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Friends also help to give advice to one another and, because
your teen may begin to identify more with her friends than
with you at this age, they can become very influential in
your teen's life.
Parents usually sense this and as a result feel compelled
to intervene when they don't like their teen's friends. Peer
pressure can be incredibly strong, after all, and keeping
up with the "cool" crowd is enough to make even
"good" kids experiment with drugs, sex and alcohol.
Knowing who your teen's friends are is clearly part of being
a good parent. Knowing when to intervene, and how -- and when
to stay out of it -- is the hard part.
Personality Clashes: Stay Out of It
Disliking your teen's friends solely because of personality
clashes is one example when you should stay out of it. Teenagers
have a right to be friends with whomever they choose, assuming
they are not a negative influence. Just because you don't
get along with the friend, don't appreciate their slang or
sense of humor, or disapprove of their orange hair doesn't
mean they should not be friends with your child.
In this circumstance, it's usually best to allow your teen
the chance to develop their own sense of identity and give
them the latitude to be friends with people of their own choosing.
Bad Influence: Time to Tactfully Intervene
There's a good chance, though, that if you don't like your
teenager's friends it's because of something deeper than personality;
you're afraid the friend is involved in risky behaviors, things
you don't want your own child to get involved with.
If your teen, after becoming friends with a certain group
of teens, begins showing signs of risk-taking, self-destructive
behaviors -- truancy, drug use, changes in personality, problems
at school, etc. -- it's time to step in.
This can be trickier than it seems, as most parents know,
because just coming out and telling your child not to hang
around with a particular friend will practically guarantee
that they will hang around with them more than ever.
Understanding Your Teen's Narcissism, and How it Relates
to Their Friendships
If you don't like your teen's friends simply because
of personality, it's probably best to stay out of it.
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Teenagers, by their very nature, are narcissistic. Criticize
your teen's friends and you are essentially criticizing your
own teen's ability to judge character, make good choices and
act independently. Because of this, the moment you tell your
teen you don't like her friends she will defend them, and
her decision to befriend them.
However, if done so correctly, your teenager will listen
to your opinions about her friends, and make the correct decision
to no longer associate with them. The key is letting your
teenager come around to this conclusion on her own, with a
little guidance from you. Here's how:
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Tell your teen that you've noticed changes in her personality,
interests, schoolwork, etc.
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Ask your teen if anything is bothering her, if she's
feeling pressured at school or home, etc.
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Don't say outright that you think it's because of her
friends.
- Don't criticize your teen's friends, only talk about behaviors.
In this way, you are setting the stage for your teen to acknowledge
that her friends may be into things she's not. In time (and
this may not happen for weeks or months), your teen will probably
reduce the time she spends with the problem friends and then
stop associating with them altogether. Using this method,
you allow your teen to make her own decisions, and she won't
resent you for telling her what to do.
Other Tips for Encouraging Positive Friendships for Your
Teen
You can help your teen to make good choices about friendships
in a variety of ways.
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Have a positive relationship with your teen. This means
showing them love, respect and kindness, and also setting
boundaries, while keeping lines of communication open.
Studies have shown that teens who have good relationships
with their parents make better choices about friendships.
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Be interested in your teen's activities, whether it's
drama, sports, computers, etc.
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Get to know your teen's friends, and their parents, and
encourage her positive relationships.
- Talk to your teen about independent thinking and encourage
her to make choices independently, not based on the choices
of other people.
Recommended Reading
How
to Talk to a Teenager (and Know That They're Listening)
Study
Drugs -- Use of These Dangerous New Drugs is Skyrocketing
Among the A+ Student Crowd
Sources
Family
Education
Focus
Adolescent Services
Physorg.com