by Rachel G. Baldino, MSW, LCSW for
In her book, The
Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex, and Feminism,
author Carrie L. Lukas reports that "hooking up"
is defined as "sexual interaction that could be anything
from kissing to intercourse without commitment. Hooking up
typically takes place between people who don't know each other
very well and is usually fueled by alcohol."
Indeed, "hooking up" has become such a prevalent
activity among young men and women of dating age today that
the good old-fashioned art of "dating" or "wooing"
or "courtship" has been all but forgotten ... or
at least cast aside.
In fact, Amber Madison, a young sex columnist who graduated
from Tufts University (where she majored in human sexuality),
has just written a book called ... you guessed it ... Hooking
Up: A Girl's All-Out Guide to Sex and Sexuality.
The book, which covers a number of useful sub-topics within
the umbrella topic of women's sexuality, is generally being
marketed as a fun, chatty-but also medically factual-guidebook
for girls and young women who have several questions, not
only about all things sex-related, but also about intimacy
and dating relationships.
But what strikes me first and foremost as such a (sad) sign
of the times is the book's title: Hooking Up.
'Hooking up' with virtual strangers can have serious
emotional consequences.
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Notice how the young author does not call her book A Young
Woman's Guide to Dating and Romance in the Twenty-First Century,
or Getting Serious: How To Form and Maintain Committed, Healthy,
Loving and Lasting Relationships In A Hook-Up World.
Indeed, the title strikes me as a stark, honest-and actually
rather depressing-acknowledgement of just how complicated
and messy today's dating world can be.
I don't want to discount what Ms. Madison has to say, as I
certainly have no interest in "shooting the messenger,"
when she is only describing (straight from the dating trenches),
what it feels like to be a young woman today.
I am just saying that I'm sad that this is what it has all
come down to: hooking up.
The Self-Destructive Side of "Hooking Up"
No matter which way anyone tries to slice it, regularly engaging
in random "hook-ups" (or "booty calls"
or "casual sex" or "one-night-stands"),
with virtual strangers (or even with non-committal, so-called
"friends"), is generally not an emotionally healthy
or satisfying way to conduct one's dating life.
In fact, a pretty powerful argument could even be made that
it is actually quite self-destructive and spirit-crushing.
And no, I am not a prude or an old fuddy-duddy.
It's just that I have a professional background in counseling,
which means that I have actually provided therapy to several
people who have had to pick up the emotional pieces of their
lives after engaging in a variety of self-destructive behaviors ...
including promiscuous sexual behavior.
Is there such a thing as a totally healthy "hooking
up" experience, in which both partners get exactly what
they want and need out of the experience, and neither one
feels hurt or used or misunderstood or angry in the aftermath?
Maybe ... but I would hazard to guess that such super-duper-positive
"hooking up" experiences are not all that common ...
especially for the young women involved.
Why?
Well, there are probably several reasons, but one of the
most important ones is captured nicely in the following quote,
taken from a recent interview given by Ms. Madison (the author
of Hooking Up), to Sara Dyer, a reporter for The
Colgate Maroon News, Colgate University's student newspaper:
Here is the brief excerpt from that interview, (SD is Sara
Dyer and AM is Amber Madison):
SD: "You comment on how a girl that hooks up a lot is
a slut and a guy who hooks up a lot is a pimp. I think [the
stereotype] is pretty pervasive in our culture, and definitely
true on many of college campuses. Do you think there's any
hope for combating this social stereotype?"
AM: "One thing that I think is really important that
helps me deal with that is recognizing (and this sounds pretty
basic) ... women have sexual desires and sexual drives and
sexual needs. Maybe sex is something that women do want to
do, not always for the emotional bond and not for the guy;
it's something that women want to do for themselves and get
physical enjoyment out of it."
Of course, by now everyone realizes that young women have
sexual desires, just as young men do. This is not exactly
a newsflash in 2006.
But whether we like it or not, even sex experts like Ms.
Madison, are forced to concede that, to this day, society-at-large
still regards men who sleep with a lot of women as Casanovas
and women who sleep with a lot of men as tramp or sluts.
It's not fair and it's not just, but there is simply no getting
around this ugly, basic truth.
Granted, a counter-argument can be made that young women
who "hook up" frequently are simply rebelling against
a society that so rudely and condescendingly denounces them
as "sluts" for engaging in such behavior.
But there are probably dozens of other, far more emotionally
healthy ways to rebel against a society that admittedly doesn't
always play fair.
The Double-Standard ... and the Risks of Trying to
Break It
Because as horrible as this double standard is, when young
women choose to ignore it, or make the choice to deliberately
rebel against it, not only do they run the risk of losing
their "good reputations," but they also run the
emotional risk of potentially sacrificing their positive views
of themselves.
To return, for a moment, to The
Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex, and Feminism,
if young women make the decision (both individually and collectively),
to move away from self-destructive, promiscuous, "hooking
up" behavior, author Carrie L. Lukas writes: "This
does not mean that we need to turn the clock back to an era
where women waited by the phone and never initiated a first
kiss. But it's important for young women (and men) to be aware
of the pitfalls of modern dating and to consider how to create
a culture more conducive to healthy, lasting relationships."
On a relevant side note, one of the biggest reasons that
I so strongly support women's sports programs at both the
high school and college levels is that studies
indicate that young women who learn early to love their
bodies by playing sports get into the habit of treating their
bodies as the beautiful temples that they are, which in turn
makes them far less inclined to engage in any behaviors (including
sexual behaviors), that can put their bodies (as well as their
hearts, souls and minds), at risk.
So what, exactly, is so important about choosing commitment
in relationships versus random hooking up?
Well, when Mat Boggs and Jason Miller, two unmarried 28-year-olds
who co-founded "Project Everlasting," set out to
unearth the secret to lasting love, they interviewed 200 married
couples-several of whom had been married 40 years or longer-and
they soon discovered that commitment appears to be the
one key ingredient that keeps
couples together over the course of time.
This was a revelation for the young men conducting the interviews.
The couples explained to them that passion can ebb and flow,
but it's the commitment that must remain solid for a marriage
or a long-term relationship to work. Or, as Mr. Miller says,
"Love is way more than the feelings that we're used to.
Love to [these successfully married couples] is that decision
to recommit when they don't
feel [the passion]."
Six Tips For Steering Yourself or Your
Dating-Age Child Away from Emotionally Hazardous "Hooking
Up" Behavior
Commitment appears to be the single most important
quality shared by happily married couples.
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If you are a young person trying to avoid (or at least curb),
hooking up behavior, or if you are the parent of a young person
of dating age who is trying to communicate with your child
about the potential problems associated with hooking up behavior,
here are some tips:
-
On his popular talk show, Dr. Phil often tells his guests
that they "teach other people how to treat them."
If this is true (and I believe that it is), then it would
follow that in a "hooking up" situation, young
people are teaching other young people that it is okay
to treat them not only like sexual objects, but like disposable
sexual objects.
- Remember that society rewards young men who act promiscuously
by labeling them as "studs" or "Casanovas,"
while at the same time punishing young women who engage
in promiscuous sexual behavior by labeling them as "sluts"
or "whores." Because of this admittedly unfair
double standard, only the most emotionally mature of young
men are likely to curb their hooking up behavior voluntarily,
which means that this task (very unfairly, indeed), often
falls to young women.
This means that just because young women may feel sexual
desire as strongly as their male counterparts, they must
do their utmost to safeguard their emotional health, their
bodies, and their good reputations by significantly curbing
their hooking up behavior, or by not engaging in hooking
up behavior at all. No one does themselves any favors
by pretending this double standard does not exist. Some
young women engage in excessive hooking up behavior in
part because they like to think of themselves as rebelling
against an overly puritanical society. But ultimately,
this particular act of rebellion only ends up hurting
the young women involved, (and it has pretty much zero
effect on the society against which they are rebelling).
Is this totally unfair to young women? Yes, you bet it
is. But it is also a sad, ugly fact about dating life.
Will society change one day? One can hope, and one can
work toward creating that change. But it hasn't yet, and
young women (and men) of dating age must deal with society
as it exists right now.
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Your body is a temple. If you conceptualize your body
in this way (as something sacred and beautiful that is
not meant to be defiled), then you are far less likely
to engage in all sorts of dangerous behaviors, including
drinking, drugging, smoking ... and promiscuous sex.
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Parents sometimes never have a "sex talk"
of any kind with their children of dating age, or if they
do, they sometimes confine the talk exclusively to the
physical mechanics of sex and/or to the importance of
always engaging in safe sex, (always using condoms, etc.).
These aspects of the conversation are important, to be
sure, but they don't cover everything. Parents also need
to talk to their dating-age children about the emotional
aspects of sex and sexuality ... including the very
real emotional consequences of engaging in excessive "hooking
up" behavior.
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This one is very important because it has to do with
my old favorite: self-forgiveness
and compassion for self. If you have engaged in hooking
up behavior in the past, or if you are currently doing
so, please don't beat yourself up about it, because you
are only human, and every single human being makes lots
and lots of mistakes. People engage in hooking up behavior
for a variety of reasons: to satisfy a sexual desire,
to feel sexy and attractive, because they have been drinking
and their inhibitions are down, and/or to fit in with
a particular social crowd. But here's the good news: Each
of us has it within our power to take control (or even
to take back control), of our emotional and sexual
lives by changing our behavior to achieve our optimal
emotional and sexual health.
-
Do you know how diet and fitness experts are always
telling us that good nutrition and good exercise choices
involve making a change in our attitudes and/or our "lifestyles"?
Well, the same goes for changing "hooking up"
behavior. In other words, if you feel like you are not
making the best dating choices at the moment, please consider
changing your "dating lifestyle," so that you
can make better dating choices from now on.
Recommended Reading:
Emotional
Abuse In Teen Dating Relationships
The
Top Six Stressors In Life
Married
Men Really Are Healthier
Sources
Dr. Phil
The
Politically Incorrect Guide To Women, Sex and Feminism
Hooking
Up: A Girl's All-Out Guide To Sex and Sexuality
The
Washington Times
Child
and Family Canada
The
Colgate-Maroon News
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