How To Cope (and How to Help Your Teenagers Cope) with Unrequited Love
by Rachel G. Baldino, MSW, LCSW for www.SixWise.com
Most of us have experienced unrequited love at one point
or another; often during the emotional turbulence of youth.
But anyone at any age can experience the emotional anguish
of unrequited love, so it is not only teenagers who need to
prepare for the possibility. (But teenagers do indeed have
a particular susceptibility to this phenomenon, which is why
the final part of this article addresses the parents of teens
who may be dealing with this difficult situation for the very
first time.)
Dante and Beatrice: An Immortal Tale of
Unrequited Love
It seems as long as humans have existed there has been unrequited
love. One of the most famous literary examples involves the
gut-wrenching case of unrequited love that Dante Alighieri
(author of The Divine Comedy and other great works)
felt for Beatrice Portinari -- whom he actually met only twice
in his life, once when they were only nine and eight years
old respectively!
Despite the fact that each of them grew up to marry other
people, all evidence suggests that right until the day he
died, Dante regarded Beatrice as his one and only true love
(which must have been incredibly hurtful to the woman that
he actually married).
Not all cases of unrequited love are this extreme ... but
in the midst of them they can certainly feel that way.
Two Serious Emotional Dangers Associated
with Unrequited Love
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Whether you are a teenager or an adult, unrequited
love can be a deeply painful emotional experience.
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One of the greatest dangers of unrequited love is that it
can cause us to romanticize or idealize
the object of our desires. Sometimes when we fall in love,
we allow ourselves to put on blinders where that one person
is concerned. We put the beloved up on a pedestal, and refuse
to look at any of their faults.
Believe it or not, while it may appear to be flattering to
idealize or romanticize an individual, it is actually a way
to dehumanize that person, because no flesh
and blood human being can possibly measure up to such a perfect,
overly idealized image.
Teenagers and preteens, who, after all, have the least experience
with love relationships (and who sometimes develop massive
crushes on falsified, airbrushed images of their favorite
heartthrob-celebrities), are particularly susceptible to this
tendency to idealize those they love or desire. But of course,
adults can fall prey to this all-to-human tendency as well.
In addition to this propensity for idealizing or romanticizing
the beloved individual, a second danger associated with unrequited
love is not taking no for an answer.
Sometimes we think, "Well, if only he got to know me
a little better." Or, "All she needs to do is give
me another chance. Surely she'll change her mind about me."
But of course no always means no. It doesn't
mean "Maybe," or "Get back to me next week."
Falling in love is an entirely subjective experience, and
of course it
is never okay to stalk someone, or to insist that someone
"give you a chance," romantically speaking, if that
person is simply not interested. We cannot control who we
fall in love with, and we certainly have no control over whether
or not they will return our feelings.
In fact, when unrequited love develops into a full-blown,
all-consuming obsession, many relationship experts view this
phenomenon as an "addiction to a person," a subject
that is addressed in-depth in Dr. Susan Forward's book, Obsessive
Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go, and also in Howard
Halpern's book, How
To Break Your Addiction to A Person.
The Healing Power of Time
We've all heard the old saying, "Time heals all wounds."
In reality, this is an adage that doesn't always hold true
in every situation (such as Dante's noted above.) But it can
actually be quite useful when it comes to coping with the
traumatic emotional upheaval caused by unrequited love.
According to this
brief but helpful article, "Only time can help get
strong emotions into perspective. You can't fall out of love
with someone overnight, after all, and in some ways you need
to grieve for this lost love. It's easy to become withdrawn
from everyday life when you're bewitched by someone who doesn't
feel the same way, but it's vital that you get out and fill
your time constructively. Surround yourself with friends,
and lean on them to help regain control."
If you are currently suffering from unrequited love, one
very important thing to bear in mind is that just because
one specific person does not return your feelings of love,
this should not be cause for total despair, and it certainly
does not mean that you are an unlovable person, or that you
won't have a wonderfully reciprocal
love relationship with someone else.
It simply means that you will not be having a love relationship
with this one particular human being, a fact which may feel
devastating at first, but will genuinely become easier to
accept with the passage of time.
Six Practical Tips for Coping with Unrequited Love
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Get together with your closest friends and then decide
if you want to talk about your feelings of unrequited
love, or if you don't. Trust your gut instincts on this.
There will be moments when it is helpful to discuss these
feelings, and there will also be moments when it feels
like absolute torture to do so.
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Try to rediscover your sense of humor. Unrequited love
can feel like very serious business, and
it can even send you into a major emotional funk if you're
not careful. This is why it is very important to keep
your sense of humor about all the other, lighter things
that may be going in your life at the same time that you
are experiencing your feelings of unrequited love.
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As mentioned above, you will also need to allow time
to work its magic in helping you to move past your feelings
of unrequited love.
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If you are doing all of the above (seeing your friends,
working on regaining your sense of humor, and patiently
allowing some time to pass), but none of these actions
seem to be helping, you may want to arrange a meeting
with a therapist to discuss the range of feelings that
you are experiencing.
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Try to keep your mind and heart open to the possibility
of meeting someone else-ideally someone who strongly
reciprocates your feelings of love and affection.
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The final--and perhaps most important--tip
is to work on rediscovering yourself and your own interests.
As I discussed earlier, people who fall in love with someone
who does not return their feelings sometimes end up becoming
obsessed with and/or "addicted to" that individual,
or at least to the fantasy of having that particular person
in their lives.
But dreaming about what things would or could be like
if that person were to suddenly change his mind and fall
in love with you is living in a fantasy world. In other
words, focusing too much on your feelings of unrequited
love can serve as a means of escaping from your real life,
and while it's certainly okay to have occasional dreams
and fantasies of alternate realities, it is not healthy
or okay when those dreams begin to consume you by dominating
your thoughts or taking over your entire life.
Helping Your Teenager Cope with Unrequited
Love
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To move past the pain of unrequited love, focus on
rediscovering yourself and your own interests.
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If you are the parent of a teenager who is experiencing the
emotional turmoil of unrequited love for the first time, remember
that adolescents have not yet been alive long enough to look
at a situation from the "long view" perspective.
They may have heard the expression: "This too shall
pass," but they don't yet have enough life experience
to fully grasp (or believe) the great wisdom contained in
these four critically important little words.
Bearing that in mind, if you want to help facilitate their
healing process, you can let them know that you, too, have
experienced unrequited love in your lifetime. In fact, you
can point out to them that almost every person alive
has experienced unrequited love at one point or another.
As hard as it may be for your teenagers to believe right
now (when they are right in the midst of their heartache),
they will probably be glad to learn just how universal the
experience of unrequited love is. They will also be deeply
relieved to hear that they truly will get past this painful
experience, and once that happens, they will be able to move
on to a fully reciprocal (and therefore much happier, healthier
and more fulfilling), love relationship.
Recommended Reading
How
To Talk To a Teenager And Know that They're Listening
Why
High School Memories Often "Loom So Large" In Our
Minds
You
Really Can Die from a Broken Heart
How
To Talk to Your Kids About Suicide
Sources
Obsessive
Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go
How
To Break Your Addiction to A Person
Wikipedia
Unrequited
Love and Time
Dante
and Beatrice
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