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Wise (and Funny) Words From Former First Ladies and Other Notable Figures


As we move toward one of the most historic inaugurations ever before, take a moment to ponder these famous (and some not-so-famous) quotations from former first First Ladies and others.

“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."                    
--Lillian Carter (mother of President Carter)

“I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'”                           
--Eleanor Roosevelt

“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”
--Mark Twain 

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”
--George Burns

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
--Victor Borge  

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
--Mark Twain 

“By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
--Groucho Marx 

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
--Jimmy Durante

“I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
--Zsa Zsa Gabor 

“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”
--Alex Levine 

“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
--Rodney Dangerfield   

“Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
--Spike Milligan                                                                        
“Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.”
--Joe Namath

“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
--Bob Hope   
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
--W. C. Fields 

“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
--Will Rogers 
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
--Winston Churchill  

“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
--Phyllis Diller  

“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”                           
--Billy Crystal 

“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.”

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